entry 7 ✶ jan 18, 2025

I have finally left my job. My last day was yesterday. It's been a long time coming, and I finally did it... For some background, I got laid off the summer of 2023 from my first entry level job after graduating--a job that I had for about two years already. It wasn't a good place, something I only realized after a new coworker brought a lot of these to my attention as not being right, especially behaviors from my boss at the time. Before I even had the chance to quit after suffering so long, I got laid off due to lack of work. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders!

I kinda lolled around for a good amount of time before even trying to apply to jobs again because I felt like I was so so drained. And then a friend recommended I try applying to this small firm that was hiring in maybe early February of last year and that was that. I started that job immediately. I knew at the START that my boss was not going to be an easy man to work for. I always did late hours at my first job, but the amount of overtime I was doing without pay (because salary) was insane. The longest I've stayed at the office was around one o'clock in the morning, although I couldn't beat one of the other manager's 24+ hour work day once. It was clear that the work management had much to be desired, and quite frankly my boss was a narcissist. I don't really think I should go over that too much; he was kind to me because I was useful to him but he degraded other people on a routine basis, so much that it created such an overwhelming environment in the office.

I hate even going on a length about all of this because of how little it means in the long run. I went through months of turmoil about my own skill and abilities and how much I lacked because of being in two similar heart-wrenching work situation in a row. Was it me? Was I the one who just wasn't cutting it? I hated to be out with friends and always be the only one with something to say about work and my dissatisfaction to it. And I hated having my life revolve around work in a way I used to scoff at in school. I didn't think it could ever happen to me!

All I can really say is that I've grown a lot as a person and an adult through these circumstances. I did my best to reach out to my peers and be a kind and gentle enough leader when I was in that position--something I actively try to do because I wish it was done for me in the past. There's so much I wish I never had to do, but I wouldn't have done anything different. I always did my absolute best no matter what, and I am not ashamed of any of the effort I put into any of it. I also behaved well. I left on good terms with everyone, even my boss, who offered to even provide a future reference even though he never does...

Because I did my not-obligatory-at-all two weeks of notice, only until I walked out of my office building last night did I actually feel free! I'm starting my new job in a week's time, a promising one that's also NOT a two hour commute back and forth from home. It's actually the firm I've been eyeballing since starting my college program and I wasn't even allowing myself to be thrilled because I still had to slog through weeks of working at the job I was at. But now I'm allowing myself a little hope. I'm going to be better this year. And the challenges I faced might just equip me with better tools to know when to advocate for myself, which I realize in adulthood is something I very much needed. The benefits are great, the people are great, everything's more structured... I'm getting a bit nervous about my own ability again, but hopefully that goes away with time spent. Their work culture might be a bit different than what I'm used to: I heard they do weekly yoga.

entry 6 ✶ nov 11, 2024

i might have good news. i can't say it, though. and it's only good to me. and also... i want to make a text adventure again.

entry 5 ✶ nov 5, 2024

my birthday came and went... i really should have less online accounts everywhere. even with everything i have, i still don't really feel online. i think i'm just getting old. i should focus my time on things that matter--preferably not work. i need to work harder at applying to jobs if i'm so discontent with my current one... in a way, that's also just like making new online accounts: unbearable, but sometimes the situation requires it...

entry 4 ✶ oct 12, 2024

went to medieval times. eating rotissiere chicken kamayan-style in a room of people with paper crowns on is a trip. i love me a sword fight.

entry 3 ✶ sep 23, 2024

stayed at big bear this weekend with friends. the drive up made me predictably nauseas and had to stop at a gas station to throw up my morning breakfast of yogurt and fruit. but the rest of the day went smoothly, and the cabin we rented out had the most gorgeous windows facing the lake.

view outside our cabin

me eating cheetos at the table

we had worried about the air quality due to the san bernadino forest fires and brought two air purifiers from home to be extra careful. otherwise we kept safe mostly inside the house! after settling in, we took a rest before cooking dinner. i made black sesame seed rice krispies based on a recipe i found and it came out delicious - we used it to sing happy birthday to someone. then proceeded to paint some wine and shot glasses we got from the thrift store (to be baked later) to commemorate our time here.

the rice krispies, post-candles

our table the morning after

the next morning, some of us took a walk on a trail nearby until it got too hot. the rest of the morning was spent cooking breakfast, which we ate outside in front of the water. that afternoon, we made it to our scheduled pontoon boat rental and made some cocktails on the lake! we ate dinner outside at a bolivian restaurant and came back to set up the projector outside so we could sit in the jacuzzi and watch the nightmare before christmas. it was all so fun and lovely and i'm feeling melancholy now it's over.

bringing the breakfast outside

view from the pontoon

entry 2 ✶ sep 7, 2024

in an antique store, i pointed out some vintage boots to a friend and asked her if she's been wearing the pair she got when we went shopping at a vaquera store about a year ago. she said that she hadn't been wearing them as much as she'd like, then i said that i wore mine all the time. we both immediately looked down at my feet, which were normal sandals, and cackled at my bare toes.

entry 1 ✶ sep 5, 2024

the heatwave officially began today. i worked remotely from home with the ac blasting. my coworker texted me to say that our boss got everyone in the office some ice cream, even though i wasn't there.